change · doodle · life · new year · positive attitude · positivity · thank you · writing · year

I am Back!

OH MY GOD! It has been almost an year since my last post! Gosh I’m such a procrastinator! How time flies! It’s not like I haven’t written or doodled anything since then. I have posted a lot on Instagram (still not as much as I would like) but when it came to the blog, I would think “Maybe later”, and this is where I am now.

Since this is my first post of 2019, I just wanted to recap a bit about what I was up to the whole of 2018. I drew some and wrote lesser. The problem was that I wanted to write but whenever I sat down, I was overcome by the thought “will anyone even want to read what I write?” I know writing should be more for the individual than others but I was obsessing a little too much with validation. Same was the case with drawing and both of these things are too personal. They have been a therapy for me. A way to express what I feel, want to feel or have felt. I just couldn’t write or draw with that thought in my head. I took a break, a long one to clear up my head and in 2019 I’m all set to change my attitude.

This is going to be my year!

I’ve made some really big decisions last year. I have learned a lot, gained a lot, lost some but regretted nothing! One big decision was leaving a place I loved. I left my old workplace, which was also my first. Leaving behind a place which made me a better person in so many different ways was definitely very hard, but also necessary for my progress. I met some really amazing people there and I’m really grateful for them. I knew almost everyone in my old office and no one in the new office. The new place has a completely different vibe and it was tough to blend in for an introvert like me. I was overwhelmed on so many occasions but I fought my anxiety and tried new things and came out victorious. That was undoubtedly the biggest hurdle of 2018 and I won!

Sometimes, you don’t appreciate what you have until you lose it. That is what happened with this change. This transition made me reflect on how far I have come. I had a lot of help from my peers before but now I was doing a lot of things on my own. I was surprised by how much I had learned with the help of my team and my friends there. I was afraid because I was leaving them behind, I had no idea that I was carrying it all inside me.

I have been struggling to lose weight since college. Losing weight with PCOS is hard and to me, it felt almost impossible. Things got worse at the end of October 2016, I got into an accident and got my left leg fractured. I was bedridden for a month after the surgery and could not walk properly for 3-4 months. My leg would swell up if I moved a lot. I was gaining weight in normal circumstances and this just got the process to a whole new level! I desperately wanted to lose weight and I could just see how everyone was having an amazing transformation except me!

I am a student of Yoga since 2011 and it has taught me the importance of loving myself. It helped me build confidence and positive outlook towards life. With everything going wrong, I could see it all fading away. It was not just the weight but a lot of other reasons as well. I could not think straight, so I started doing some research on exercises and diet that I could take up in my condition. I was so desperate that I could try anything! I considered everything from keto to intermittent fasting. I never got around to doing any of it and thank god for that but I did try to control my diet. I tried eating only fruits one day a week but that just increased my cravings for carbs. While doing my research I also landed upon a lot of articles and videos talking about body positivity. I could finally see what I had become.

I have tried a lot of things but all in vain. Not because I was doing things wrong but because I was doing it for materialistic reasons. I just wanted to look good. I did not care about getting healthier anymore. All I cared about was having a “model like” figure. That hit me hard by mid 2018 and that is when I dropped everything else and started taking care of my body. When I started loving my body for what it is, that is when I started seeing results. I did not just lose weight, I felt happier and more at peace with myself. I haven’t had dramatic changes but just living a cleaner, healthier life is what is keeping me on track. I don’t just workout for the sake of it. I love doing it! I love feeling that sweet pain in my body the next day.

I regularly documented my journey on Instagram and got surprisingly overwhelming response. I lost 8 kgs very quickly because I gained them all in one go. Now the progress is steady but so much more fulfilling. The fact that I could help people start working out made me happier and even more committed to continue on this journey.

If it feels right in your heart, it definitely is.

None of this would have been possible without the support of people I love, my family and amazing friends have supported me through all of it. A lot of my friends on Instagram kept me going as well. 2018 has given me people who really care for me. I have gotten even more closer to my family. Last year has made me realize the importance of having people with positive energies around. It has given me the strength to eliminate all the negativity around me and moving forward.

As I entered 2019, I did not make any specific resolutions. I knew I had to continue everything I took up in the previous years and hustle harder. I’m not afraid of failing anymore because 2018 has taught me that this life is all about learning. I just need to give everything I have to whatever I do.

I know it in my heart, this will be my year!

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One thought on “I am Back!

  1. Oh beautiful! Thanks for sharing! I had no idea you have PCOS. Wow. The journey to healing and self care can be a meandering one, fraught with anxiety when we’re inundated with images of these wellness influencers online who seem to have it all figured out! They don’t. Nobody does. I’m so happy you tuned in to your body and how it communicates it’s individual needs. I think that leads to a lot more healing than any of the food and wellness ideologies out there. 🙌🏼

    And I understand also, the anxiety surrounding relatability and external validation when it comes to creating. Of course we want our work to be seen and appreciated, we are sharing our hearts. But remember when you’re worried about how your art will be viewed, you are creating for something outside and no longer creating from a place of honesty. And what we need most now, is truth. Keep creating from your heart, and your audience will find you, they will seek you out. What is true within you, is bound to be true for others. We are so many expressions of one. Validation must come from within. Give yourself permission. I am only learning to stand in my own light and share it. But doing so has created the work I am most proud of!

    Much love to you

    Like

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